After just a couple months of dating Shal, I texted my friends an update:
“Guys, I think she’s the one.”
One friend responded: “Isn’t it too early to know? How can you be so sure now?”
At first, I thought he was right.
Delayed gratification is seen as a virtue. It’s an idea I promote in financial literacy: the longer you can manage to hold off of spending on unnecessary things, the more you can invest that money and buy freedom.
“Don’t celebrate too early” is the everyday version of delayed gratification.
But with this event, I felt rebellious:
Why the fuck not celebrate early?
Even if you celebrate something “early” and things don’t work out, you can still reap the joy now. You get higher ROI from positive events, instead of being in a constant state of waiting to see how the future unfolds.
This post explores the forces that have us delay joy.
The Deferred Life
Just to prove a point, here’s an extreme counterexample:
“I don’t think we should celebrate your child’s 8th birthday. What if they don’t make it to 9?”
One reason people don’t want to be seen celebrating early is to avoid looking stupid.
You’re not sure until you get the final job offer. You’re not sure about a person until a few dates in. Even if you’re happy about the current state, it’s safer to downplay it because you don’t know the future state.
Because if the “final” result doesn’t pan out, then won’t you look stupid?
A moment of permission:
So what? So what if you look stupid? If you look stupid to your friends, maybe you need some new friends. If you look stupid to yourself, maybe be a better friend to yourself. Trust me, your ego can handle looking stupid. And if it can’t, then you’ve got bigger problems.
In the pursuit of Not Looking Stupid, it’s easy to unconsciously adopt arbitrary rules:
- You shouldn’t text back until 3 days later. (bc you don’t want to look too available)
- Don’t overshare. Play it cool. (bc vulnerability is cringe)
- Downplay your values (bc you don’t want to seem too picky)
Little by little, these concessions add up to a life deferred:
- You delay reaching out to people, and now your social life has shrunk.
- You let yourself stay stuck in a job, saying one more year
- Your life is driven by obligation; shoulds always overtake wants
These are all personal examples I have of playing it safe.
Maybe this is because modern life itself is safer than ever, compared to what our ancestors had to go through.
I like to imagine that our caveman ancestors partied like lunatics
There’s a part of the human brain responsible for survival. The amygdala, part of the limbic system, is always “on” in the background, scanning for threats.
That made sense when danger was everywhere…predators, famine, disease.
You had to assume something was coming for you.
But for the season reason, that’s why I imagine that celebrations were unhinged.
A successful hunt. Fire that actually stayed lit. Enough food for everyone.
I don’t think our loinclothed ancestors said, “Let’s wait and see if this keeps working.”
They feasted. They danced. They yelled. They fucked. They lost their minds.
Because they didn’t know if they’d see the next day.
Behavioral economists call this future discounting: the tendency to prioritize immediate rewards over distant ones, because the future feels fragile.
When the future feels uncertain, the present becomes more valuable.
But our brains haven’t evolved to how safe it is now.
So we manufacture uncertainty and anxiety to maintain a sense of safety.
Constant future fixation
By now you’re probably used to getting asked the question: so what’s next?
Doing well in school? → “What college do you want to go to?”
Got into college? → “What job are you going to get?”
New job? → “When are you getting married?”
Got married? → “When are you having kids?”
Have kids? → “Are they doing well in school?”
[repeat for life]
This is an especially common experience amongst Asian immigrants.
The result is a life lived in a perpetual state of anticipation.
The moment we arrive at one milestone, we immediately look towards the next milestone.
It’s a constant feeling of never arriving.
Because celebration feels irresponsible because rest was never modeled as safe.
So we must look for other evidence, and model that safety for ourselves.
Eat the chocolate. Wear the shoes. Stop deferring.
There’s a comical scene in my life I can never forget: I brought treats over to a friend, and he did something I never did:
Take the chocolate from my hands → opened it → took a bite, immediately.
The instant gratification of him chomping on the chocolate in front of me was such a hilarious contrast to me.
Because I’m a squirrel. I squirrel shit away. I take a week to eat a chocolate bar piece by piece. When I buy something new, I like to store it first, then carefully consider the “perfect” moment to consume it later.
I would’ve passed the marshmallow test with flying colors. Apparently I’ve been like this even as a child:
Today, I’m inspired by my friend. I try to enjoy something immediately the moment I buy it.
Recently I got new pickleball shoes. I stopped by the mailroom, picked them up, and brought it on my drive to the courts. Then I put them on in the parking lot to break them in immediately.
It may sound like a small thing, but I never would’ve done this 10 years ago.
I’ve always had this “preservation” mindset even with consumer goods – I don’t want something to get dirty or used too quickly. I want it to last. Sometimes it would take a week or more for me to wear a newly purchased shirt.
Today, I catch that preservationist behavior, seeing it as scarcity.
What was I going to do, wait for some specific pickleball game to finally try them on?
Some perfect moment to eat this snack?
In a way this is like realizing you’ve been holding your breath, and then taking a deep one.
And it feels freeing to just enjoy the moment.
So fuck it, celebrate early.
Eat the chocolate, wear the shoes, cash in on your wins now.
Because these small joys add up to a life beyond your imagination.